Trusting in his plans, believing in my dreams

That picture is one of my ad pages from Miss Kemah Teen. The quote that's highlighted is one of many reasons I couldn't just quit. I can not stop thinking about everything I have worked so hard to have. I thought about Miss Kemah Teen for MONTHS. Every single day since the year before and leaving that high school after the competition I have never felt so crushed, so numb. The moment the Top 5 was called, my body just shut down. To this day, I still don't know what I did wrong. I've watched my evening gown and active wear performances and looked at my judges form, backwards, forwards, and in slow motion. Just looking for what split moment did I mess up. I remember the day before the final competition, I was reading Psalms in my Bible and balling my eyes out because every word I read felt like God telling me this was finally the time I would rejoice and I couldn't sleep. I was up until 3am. I just felt so excited and could just feel Gods presence around me. I woke up two and a half hours later for hair and makeup and I couldn't even eat. I was so excited and full of hope I wanted to actually throw up. I was just so ready, more than ever before. As the day and competition went on, I felt great! The time to call the finalists finally came and I was ready for that final question. The first girl was called, then second, third, fourth and at this point, I was still fine. I have a thing for being the last girl called. This time it wasn't me. I looked behind the stage for reassurance that I wasn't crazy, that I was awake and this was actually happening. Bryn blew a kiss to me and I looked out to my mom. I have never wanted to leave and go home that badly.

The rest of the pageant seemed to drag out for what felt like hours. They finally called the winners and I walked back stage just ready to get dressed, pack my things into the car and leave. At the same time I was about to walk out the door, my favorite miss Anna Cantu was leaving as well. She hugged me and I just cried. Mascara smearing, heavy breathing, heart pounding  ugly tears. Sweet Logan and Brenna approached me in that moment giving me reassurance that these things happen and that God works in mysterious ways and they know that because they've been there. Between Anna, Logan, and Brenna, I really don't think i said anything back. I truly have a hard time even remembering that moment. Other girls approached them because it's not everyday you meet Miss Texas and Texas Teen USA. I didn't want to ruin that moment for those girls so I left. I went around the corner to fix my face before I saw my mom. I never wanted her or my entire family to know or see how badly this hurt me. I don't remember much else after that. The next day, I was ready to quit pageants, this website, the instagram, sell my whole wardrobe and act like none of it ever happened. My mom mentioned to me in the car, and this I remember word for word.

"I don't want this to hurt your heart, I don't want you to think this is anything you did because it's not. I don't understand it either, and I'm not saying that because I'm your mom. If this is really your dream and what makes you happy, I will keep doing this as long as you want to do this." 

She said that through tears and it was so hard to hold back my own and act like this was nothing. 

In all of these moments, I though I was done. I thought my days as a teen was over. I promised myself after Miss Texas Teen USA 2017, that I would not go back without a title, and since then I competed for Houston twice and Kemah twice and lots of other different systems inbetween. I am not going to break that promise because If i cant win a local, I'm not going to bother trying to win at Texas. That's just me. Scrolling through instagram, I saw Miss South Texas post on her story asking who would want to compete in Miss Tropics of Texas. I thought I might as well see what its about. It is a long 6 hour drive and a lot more money for me to spend. I bought a Jeep just before Kemah Teen so between Houston and Kemah fees AND my new vehicle. I'm pretty low on money now. In case you don't know, I pay for a lot of my pageant fees.. and now my Jeep. Its MY dream so i'm making the investment. I reread every comment on the posts I made after Houston and Kemah.. It was the personal messages I was sent that made me compete for this crown again. I read about how I encouraged so many of you, how you thought of me when you felt like you weren't worthy of your dream. You told me the advice I gave you helped you to be better. You told me that crown or not that I was still your sister. You told me you came to the pageants to support me even though you never met me. You told me you felt like you didn't belong anywhere else but here. You told me that showing my passion gave you some. One of you said nothing to me, you looked at me as you walked out of the hotel and we both held back tears and in that moment we said everything we needed to. 

So, Im competing for Miss Tropics of Texas Teen. Im ready. Im hopeful. I have faith in whatever God planned for this. Im ready for the opportunity to represent Tropics at Texas Teen, and if I do win Tropics, I will be the greatest, most determined and hard working title holder. I will fill the shoes of my predecessor and continue to raise the standard. This is not something I am taking lightly. I am doing everything I can to win this, not just for me, but for those of you who support and are inspired by me. 

If you're reading this. This is for you. I'm not giving up, and neither should you.